Caught in a Veritable Internet Mess

Or to a logical extreme, an Internet Black Hole.
If you value your internet, you may want to turn back now. Otherwise only the brave shall continue past the rearfacing links.

As you must know by now (though I must rehash for the lowest common denominator) I currently live in South Korea. The scenery is gorgeous, the people of the highest quality, and the internet the fastest in the world.
But is speed all that matters? Let me show you some things that will make you double guess your interest in moving to South Korea. So that I may single-handedly stem the constant flow of American expatriats from streaming into South Korea to make a new life.
Without photo editing software I am screwed. Plain and simple. When I bought a new computer, I found myself totally up doo-doo creek, and the paddles were all sold out, brother. So I started on a frantic search for some software. I don't really need a copy of Photoshop CS/4...because really...how much software do I really need to edit pictures of shopping lists and waterlogged photographs? So I thought that I'd search for a copy of Photoshop Elements.My first roadblock was that the PX HAD a copy of it...only that the copy was for Mac. So I tried the free download from Adobe.com and have nothing but nice things to say about it. When my free trial was over, I decided to buy, because why? Because Dynamitegun does not pirate anything but Swedish research ships, that's why! But I quickly ran into another roadblock when I finger-whipped my shapely backside over to the official AAFES website, typed in Photoshop, and was greeted with the following selections.

That is it. That is all of the options available for photo editing available on the AAFES website online. The options boil down to another computer that is vastly inferior to my own and two cheap tablets. If you'd notice, the pictures for both of the tablets are the same! How sloppy! AAFES does a lot of great things for Soldiers. This wasn't one of them.
I moved on, tireless in my search for software. I went to Adobe and found that I could purchase the software online, where I would buy a product key and register the trial I'd already downloaded. Brilliant! Only to find this, when I attempted the purchase.

So apparently my money is no good here. Luckily, I devised a brilliant plan wherein I would have somebody in the United States purchase the software and send me the registration keys. HA! I win.
But the problems don't end here. I have to admit that I enjoy watching certain television shows. I would like to watch some of these shows here, and my schedule doesn't really allow me to be home all the time to watch them on Government Approved television stations. So I go, once again, to the internet to solve my problems. It's solved so many so far, right? Alas...more heartbreak. I go to NBC.com, a fantastic website, to watch a few episodes of The Office. With what am I met?

I WILL watch The Office. I drive on. I try Hulu, which is an online television service...thing. To be honest, I'd never used it or heard of it before I was in dire straits, but I imagine it's pretty keen. I load it up, find my show, and BAM...

Want to watch the Simpsons? King of the Hill? Kitchen Nightmares? Too bad. If you attempt to watch any Fox televion shows, you'll simply see this:

At least they are polite, correct? After all of this, and even attempting to find the show on other websites, I found nothing but atrocious online video either subtitled in German, dubbed over in Spanish with Nordic subtitles, or video with digital artifacts so numerous that they rival the sarcastic jabs in sheer number. I ended up using iTunes, which, while expensive, provided exactly what I wanted and without a hitch. See what looking for a free lunch gets you? A lot of wasted time in the Internet Wasteland called South Korea.
But that isn't it. There are other things that will drive you crazy here. Ever heard of Steam, the online gaming community and digital entertainment store created by the makers of Half Life, Team Fortress 2, etc? Attempt to purchase software on Steam and this is what you will get.

Gah! The sacrifice I've made for my country! It doesn't stop at purchases though. I use Facebook, as do many of my colleagues. While using it, I see very different ads than my continental American counterparts. Ever thought of moving to Canada? Me neither! I seem to be a prime target for expatriation, though, as evidenced by this ad.

That isn't the only startling ad you may see, and I say startling not because it is about moving to Canada, but the idea that it'll take more than a year to get there? Good lord. In my native state of California, I can get to Canada in what, 12 hours? 10 if I put premium in my tank? I find myself in a growing existential quandry.
Thankfully, the lovely folks at Comedy Central allow viewing of content from anywhere, and I enjoy Stand-Up Comedy as much as I enjoy cooking ridiculous food. But once again, I am reminded of my geography by the advertisements that follow me everywhere. Not that I've ever clicked on an ad (except for the GoArmy ad I clicked one day when looking up World of Warcraft stuff...which is why I no longer play WOW or click sidebar ads), but when watching some comedy on Jokes.com, I was visually assaulted by this:

Most of the time you can pretty much tell the product from the ad. Not here. What is that ad pitching? Pretty girl, light colors, a bunch of Predator language...I'm left in the dark. It has nothing on this next one, found on Facebook, and this one is a letdown because the only product I want to see is a broken image.

What the hell is THAT? Peelife? Peel? Life? Pee Life? Seeing some of the signs here and the complete lack of guile that Koreans have when speaking English, I really, seriously, am confused. Especially since it is an advertisement for health care/vanity products.

So, speaking of Facebook, this last one was the biggest bummer I've experienced in a very, very long time. I was really looking forward to winning a fat pile of cash. Seriously! It says so right on the image! I had only to guess my good friend's birthday. I've known him since junior high, and I know that he's an Aquarius, so I had nothing to lose!

I closed my eyes, took a breath, and clicked what I knew to be the right answer. I sat there, hands open to facilitate the grabbing of uncountable pennies from heaven, until my eyes turned red and bloodshot from anticipation. I opened one eye, and to my unspeakable dismay, I saw this.

I was floored. What was at one moment a sure things and a ticket out of here (somehow, I think) turned into the last in only a limitless string of frustration and shame. I closed the window, defeated again.

Well, that's about it for right now. I wish I had the time to post all of the salient hogwash, but I do believe I've made a solid case for myself. Do I have any advice for travellers? Not really. Ha! My lack of a conclusion shall be blamed on... oh I don't know...gout?

Caught in a Veritable Internet Mess

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