Twinkie Fudge
Recipe by Remy
Written by Remy
Twinkie Fudge is one of the hardest recipes you can imagine. But, if done correctly, you will probably be caught up in a flaming chariot and sent away to Heaven. That's a Bible joke. You should not joke about such things.
Before making twinkie fudge, you need to study the twinkie. It's golden, moist husk; snow white creme filling; all in a beautiful balance that brings joy to every child, and reminds every adult what it was to be the innocent child, with a Twinkie stuffed lovingly into your backpack by your dear mother, set loose on the school yard and totally free from the hate of the world. Our plan here is to dump some molten fudge on top of them and then eat it. You'll need eight backpacks. Any backpacks containing more than one twinkie should be returned to their tiny owner with the excess treats intact.
Cut the twinkies in twain. I recommed freezing them for a while first. This will help your eyes to not burn so much during the division process. When all the golden cake logs have been split, frantically search every cabinet, drawer, oven, and dishwasher for a proper container. Give yourself at least twenty minutes for this. When you do find one, don't worry about the size, it will magically fit your twinkies halves perfectly.
My GRACIOUS look at them sitting there...their innards exposed and at your mercy! You will have to repeat these steps roughly 4 times as the first three will result in you and/or your roommates staring at them for an hour, and then grabbing fistfuls of twinkie and scarfing them wildly. After, you''ll need to sleep off the sugar high for an hour or so. I find that after cutting the twinkies, I can help avoid eating them if I immediately start the fudge. The fudge is pure sugar, so it matches the twinkie quite well. First grab a small pot and begin adding a bag of sugar, couple sticks of butter, and some evaporated milk. Evaporated milk smells and looks like baby vomit, which it is, but it makes fudge taste good. Now is about the time you start sloshing you mix all over the stove. Immediately go back into your frantic search mode for a bigger pot. Grab a candy thermometer while you're in the garage flinging Christmas decorations and half completed model cars/airplanes/1000 pice puzzles around in search of that big pot you probably took camping. Now, dump whatever unburnt, possibly still palatable sugar slop into your located big pot and clamp the candy thermometer onto the side. Remeber to drop the thermometer into the dextrose magma at least once. This will coat the thermometer in something that makes the thermometer impossible to read, and therefore, useless. Your fingers will also be covered in something hotter than the solar flares, and twice as sticky. Now STIR, you demon! PINKIE OUT!
Once the candy thermometer reaches 235 (pre soft ball stage), turn off the heat,
grab any kind of chocolate you can get a hold of, and a jar of something so sticky
it makes the dextrose magma feel like something way less sticky like a battery or
a marble or something. By now you know I am talking about marshmallow creme. It is
important you do not let your twinkie halves see this creme, as they will shrivel
up with jealousy, or even try to riot and overthrow this ultimate authority. A moist
tea towle draped over the spongey lovelies will do just fine. Add the marshmallow
and chocolate and stir again. By "add" marshamallow, I mean break the jar around
the marshmallow and peel as much glass off of the whipped white wonder as you can
see. Glass shows up well on the white surface, so you can probably manage about 86%.
"Wait! Why don't I just scoop it out?"
Shut up, you stupid! No spoon or spatula can handle this. You wind up scooping out
a spoon full, then trying to scrape it off with a whisk, then scraping off the whisk
with a fork. By the time you empty the jar of Jett Puff, you've added about a cotton
ball-sized globule of mallow into the pot. It's like some weird culinary representation
of matryoshka dolls. So, just peel the fluffery, okay? Now, incorporate the chocolate
and creme until uniform, and add a drop or two of vanilla extract. You could other
flavoring agents now, too. Always remember, add alcohol-based flavoring AFTER cooking.
I also recommend adding alcohol to YOURSELF after cooking. You need your mind as
crisp as possible to avoid dying during this recipe.
Once the fudge is mixed thoroughly, immediately pour over the twinkies, which have
been freed from their blissful ignorance towel. With the fudge, it is important to
pour the sludge fudge evenly about the treats as the fudge will already be setting up.
Make sure to leave a lot of fudge in the pot. This serves two purposes. One: Fudge always tastes better when it is scraped out of a pot with a dirty fingernail, or a fork pried lose from last night's spaghetti dinner plate. Two: Fudge never stops setting up when it is left in a pot. I've seen this stuff get harder than the metal to which it is adhered. This makes for a alot of fun come dishwashing time, provided you do not do the dishes in your house. So, once the fudge has been poured onto the hopefully still chilled twinkies, attempt to spread the fudge evenly across the surface of your cakey delights. I don't know if you have ever tried spreading a piece of chewing gum evenly through a 2lb bag of ice, but it is going to be about that easy. Move quickly, or you will end up with something that looks like a plate of twinkies and diarrhea, forever cemented in stomach churning pose for all to avoid.
Once it has been allowed to set up in 76.2F room for 2-3 weeks, the fudge will be ready for cutting. Make sure to use your friends best knife, and carelessly scrape it across metal and glass surfaces until he/she yells at you about it. Then let them know you know what's going on and just forcibly remove the Twinkie Fudge (capitalized upon completetion) with your bare hands. Serve with frozen chimichangas and a glass of insulin.
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