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New Year's 2009 Recipe#1: Smachos!

Recipe by Budiak, inspired by Dpad
Written by Budiak

Well, it's nearing the new year, and how should we celebrate the rebirth and renewal and crap? With good friends, good drinks, and acting stupid? Well of course not! You celebrate like you're supposed to; face down in a pile of fattening junk food.

This recipe is just a poem. It boasts all three of the major food groups, is served in a handy bowl, and boasts an impressive 1600+ per bowl calorie count. Yes, folks, that is more than ANY other DGUN food item! I am so proud to know that we(I) at Dynamitegun are(am) still innovating after all these(2) years.
Where are my manners? So, Smachos take some preparation, like any good souffle or meatball. Your ingredients are as follows: Eight Graham Cracker Sheets, One Jar Marshmallow Fluff, Six Tablespoons Chocolate Chips,one small piece of english toffee, 1tsp Zest of Orange.
So, the grahams.
4 Grahams.
The first step in this process is to cut the grahams into the perfect Smacho configuration. I know that you're probably thinking 'You can't cut graham crackers, you big dumb idiot! A circular saw will destroy them! Give up! Give up and go home!' Well not only should you shut up, you're WRONG, too! I've found an A+ #1 Hot Dog workaround to that problem. I know that graham crackers have an extremely fragile crystalline structure, so simply cutting them wasn't an option.
BUT from your numerous (and undoubtedly tragic) experiments with making regular S'Mores, like a trained poodle, you probably noticed that grahams soften when heated (unlike Saltines, which explode, or like soda crackers, which disappear altogether). You didn't? Well. They do.
So the trick is to not destroy the grahams in the microwave. Take a paper towel and stack them four double-cracker intervals high onto the towel. Put the stack into the microwave, on high, for 26 seconds.
Why 26 seconds? Well, if you put it in any longer, THIS WILL HAPPEN!
Oh Noes!
Do as I say and they will be perfectly soft for, oh, 15 seconds. Quickly, you jackals! Move them to a flat surface and cut them diagonal-ways with the stoutest, sharpest knife you can muster!
Graham Cut
Perfect. See? Now, continue that process with the other six sheets until you have finished, and not a second sooner.

Now, on to prep the bowl. Open up your fluff. Can't open it? Then you should not be cooking. Once you have been replaced by someone who can defeat a jar, continue on. Grab your bowl, which should be larger than a finger bowl, but smaller than a face bowl. Perfect. Put a big dollup of fluff right in the center.
Fluff Bowl
Next, dip into your cracker reserve, and place four of them straight up, for reasons unknown.
4 Up
Now immediately put another dollup of fluff and four more graham wedges in there! Hurry!
8 Up!!
Perfect. This next step is extremely important. Put a layer of fluff on top of the the whole mess. Yes, a layer. Cover up as much as possible, but do not squelch. On top of that layer, you will put...CHOCOLATE CHIPS!
Chip Layer Number One
Yes! Yes... More crackers! Another mighty spoonful of fluff! More chocolate chips! WAIT! That english toffee...take it. Put it in your hand. Place it carefully amongst the trappings of one handmade bowl of S'Machos. This is the 'Bite of Destiny'. Whomever be so unfortunate as to taste toffee in his S'Machos shall clean the bowl!

We are nearing completion. Add some more graham wedges. Add another layer of fluff, which should (if you've done ANY of this correctly) round out the rest of the jar, and some more chocolate chips. Top with some hand-shorn orange zest, to class up the joint.
Smachos Final
There you go. A perfect bowl of S'Machos for a perfect night. Have you ever seen anything so delicious? Oh, wait, you're on Dynamitegun, so of course you have lol! J/k. No, but seriously.