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Cheezy Pretzel Pie

Recipe by Budiak

Here's a real sinker for any of your Super Bowl parties, tailgate parties, office Christmas parties, birthday parties, clambakes, or surprise 90th birthday parties. The rennaissance man of cheese based pies, the cheezy pretzel pie is based upon the 'melt' principle of cooking. This is where you have a base of ingredients in a butter-based pie crust (or cereal bowl) and you hope and pray that the oven heat will sufficiently melt the cheese and distribute it throughout the entirety of the contents of your dish.
Lets take a look at the main ingredient, the star, the frontman of our dish.

Here you have an entire loaf of Velveeta cheese. Any loaf-shaped cheese product will do; as long as it is difficult to melt and forms a powerful skin after seven seconds of room-temperature air, it will do just fine. I have this cheese proudly displayed on top of my old Monstrous Manual because it is one of the only Dungeons and Dragons books with the structural integrity to support such a cheese.
I'll take this time to discuss ingredients. It is a very straightforward recipe. You're going to need one full loaf of velveeta and it is very important to get the loaf because peeling individual slices out of the plastic wrappers (which are pretty close to the actual cheese food product itself) would take all day and time is not what a hungry man has. So one loaf of Velveeta, one box of pre-made pie crusts, and one 8-oz sack of tiny-twist pretzels.
Take the pie crust out to soften at about the same time you take the Velveeta out to display to your guests. After ten minutes, unroll it and place it in the bottom of a round 9-inch pie plate, as shown. At this time you should also slice up the cheese loaf and place it into a small pot. If the pot is too large, the cheese will have too much exposure to heat and will burn your house down out of spite. A small one works better. On low-medium heat, put the cheese in and pour half a cup of milk into the bottom of the pot. The liquid helps with heat distribution and will keep your delicate cheese from scorching. Stir around every minute or so.

Now that you have your pie crust situated, open the pretzels and remove any broken pieces. Not only do we need whole pretzels for symmetry, but the entire structure would be wholly compromised with the addition of broken pretzels. Start laying them out one by one, beginning at the outside and making concentric circles of pretzels as you go. If done correctly there should be an open space in the center, which is good because that is where we're going to be pouring the cheese.

Good. Now continue around, stacking layer on layer offset, as to support each additional pretzel layer. Build it up, making sure not to topple the stacking and ruin your work because if they fall onto eachother and the patter is maligned in even the slightest way then you must, unquestionably, remove all of the pretzels and start anew. Here's how it should look.

You can see the pattern that was formed. It might get loose on the top due to the shape of the pretzels, but the bottom layers are the most important. The cheese must be allowed to settle, and the looseness of the top two tiers allow this to happen. So don't worry. You'r doing fine.
The cheese should be melted by now, so grab the pot with your favorite potholders, heft it mightily into the air and proclaim your freedom as you lower the cheesepot over the pie. Pour slowly into the center of the pretzels. This allows the cheese to go freely to the bottom without getting vapor lock, and ensures proper distribution. Pour all of the cheese in, and don't worry about spreading it, the sheer weight of the cheese should cause it to spread itself.

Unroll the remaining pie crust and place it on top, crimping the edges with a dinner fork. Cut aesthetically pleasing slits into the top crust and place into a preheated 425 degree oven. You preheated the oven, right?
Let it bake for about 20 minutes on the lower 1/2 of the oven, which lets the cheese heat up and bubble and spread around evenly, while giving the crust ample time to cook and brown and start smelling all good and stuff. Remove the pie and let it cool for 20 minutes before cutting. Serve on the back of a pickaxe or machete. Serves 16. Seriously. It is pretty heavy stuff.

All photographs on this site are the intellectual property of the webmaster unless otherwise stated. Please do not alter the images for distribution without the consent of the author at Budiak@dynamitegun.com. Thank you.
Dynamitegun.com 2008