By Remican. Foreword By Budiak.
At Dynamitegun we not only value the rugged individualism that makes America what it is, but we also uphold the traditional values of community that will make the tribal enclaves of the future thrive. That being said, I forced my roommates into participating in this preparedness exercise. In his debut piece, Remy displays his survivalist prowess in a BOB that would make [Discovery Channel Show] proud.
The freeform design of the case allows for easy packing and unpacking of all my gear. The floral pattern assists in camoflauge. Try not to set it down, or you may never find it again. It can be used to cover any bird cages with noisome birds, and trick them into sleeping. Also a great for trapping animals so they can later be trained or brained depending on the need. I recommend the pool cue half for the latter choice.
Aside from working well as a weapon, or convenient carrying device for a sack or dutch oven lid, turns out these will be vital for impromptu games of billiards. So, if I ever run across an Allison Fisher zombie, I'll have a fighting chance.
"Man, my bag is so heavy and cumbersome!"
Yes. Yes it is. But, can you get rid of anything? Well... you can if you
uselessly pack a bowling ball! You can even keep the bag in case you come
across any medium-sized cannonballs.
These beasts come in one color: black and white. A man has never looked so classy bludgeoning a crazed hobo than when done with the exquisite, polished leather of a shoe whose solid wood heel frightens xylophobic bears. Very handy for dress codes.
Along with ketchup (catsup), this handy little condiment can trick even the most sophisticated palate into thinking what you're eating isn't horrible. They also come with neat little sayings, and with time, you can convince yourself they are a) your friends b) secret government messages, or c) lying to you. Used in conjunction with hand santizer, this item can be used to treat minor zombie wounds, possibly eliminating the chance of transformation, or buying time to delay the gruesome change of a loved one long enough to make it even more unbearable for when they do finally change and try to kill you. I forgot my hand sanitizer.
Tacos are one of the only foods known to be liked by everyone in the world. If you don't like tacos, you are already a zombie and are basically just waiting to be killed. Having a taco in my bag will also curb the ridicule of other survivors wondering why I brought a container full of taco sauce.
I really only brought these because I like how they taste.
Just be cause your clothes are being held together by blood, waste, and quiet prayers, doesn't mean they have to smell that way. Let's face it, post-Apocolyptic survival makes no room for a hot bath, or relaxing shower, unless you are bathing in the blood of battle, and being showered in the viscera of your enemies/less capable survivalists. With these sheets, you can duck behind the nearest bush and give yourself a wipe down. When you emerge, you'll smell like a homeless forest meadow spring instead of just homeless!
In addition to promtoing heart health by thinning the blood, or acting just as a pain reliever and fever cutter, aspirin can be used to kill zombie cats. Here's how: Cut down a pine tree and place it in a Christmas tree stand. Decorate the tree to make it stand out. Fill the stand with water and place two aspirin into the water. The zombie cats will drink the water, and while they are distracted, you can shoot their heads or use a bomb to kill them. Note: Aspirin will kill a normal cat upon ingestion, so use with caution.
This Good Book is filled with the great life lessons, and wonderful teachings that will help everyone to find hope through the troubled times ahead. It is also encased in a hard cover that will work brilliantly as a blunt instrument, or ease the torture of shelling cloves of garlic.
These will be useful for keeping a small portion of my head dry. I imagine it might also really throw off a Jewish zombie. Perfect for draining a tiny portion of pasta, or to keep things from getting into the finger holes of your bowling ball.
I am only holding these for Budiak since his bag had no room for them. Always try to have room for someone else's gear. Eventually, the person whose stuff you have is going to try to kill you, but if you have their goods, they cannot do it until they know where those items are. I guess since the gum is in my bag, and I have now put that in writing, I'm doomed.
Even a kitten playing with butterflies would look fierce if they were wearing this eyemail. Perfect for one-liners, or slow-mo action sequences. Also great for feigning eye contact. Not as good as goggles, but cooler. Sometimes.
But the cameras will! We will need to catalogue the varying zombies, and their stages of development. Zombies will adapt as this goes on, and camera phone holders will be responsible for capturing their changes for analysis by those with the graphing calculators. Zombies are also terrified of cameras (maybe) because they believe a picture steals the soul.
The obvious use for this item is so we can track progress through the murky swamps, tempestuous mountainsides, and the oft confusing deserted home layouts. BUT! In addition, the bread crumbs can be used for salads, bribing ducks, and/or placebos. A natural choice for little tiny sandwiches.
